As I broke an impasse: the examiner helped

All my life my mother strongly inspired in me 2 things: that in everything I have to obey only her (my opinion initially wrong) and that I have to hate men. She pathologically hates sex and the greatest fear at her that I will want to take care of them. Therefore since the childhood she dressed me so as if to me years 70. The thing was 2-3 sizes more. Colors were only dark, gloomy. Forced me to eat much that I was fat. But she placed the biggest emphasis on the relations with men. Mother inspired in me that any guy it is necessary to avoid or communicate with aggression and hatred. She frightened me by the fact that they will hand over me in brothel or on bodies. When on TV showed scenes where embrace/kiss on love, she always looked at me an evil, overwhelming look. At violence scenes she was quiet. I wanted to communicate with guys, but could not. At a conversation with pleasant the guy I as if became covered by a thick ice layer and became very intense. And still I was covered by causeless rage. I could not cope with it. With other guys it was a little easier to speak. I entered to that UNIVERSITY which was chosen by mother. And once I took another examination. I was sent to the young examiner, still the assistant. When I sat down to it, he told:" Friend! I need to fill out papers, wait, please." Friend! This word sounded as music for my ears. And when he looked at me, I saw that it has very kind eyes. And beautiful blue color, as sky. At me inside all as if turned over. I again "became covered with ice". But resolved that I will get rid of it. Throughout all examination he looked at me the kind and beautiful eyes. And I answered and in parallel understood that any guy did not cause similar feelings. In his look there was neither love, nor admiration but only kindness. And it changed all my life. I cannot tell that I fell in love with him, but some feeling before not familiar to me arose. After the examination I came home and began to look for the psychologist. I addressed at school it, but she then told me:" And what you want otmenya? I do not understand." And I also did not understand therefore I did not address any more. For the second time I was lucky, and the good expert got to me. We began to be engaged and every time I got rid of the fears little by little. Unfortunately, I had many psychological problems. Now at many I lowered "perception degree". I am not ready to the relations with the man yet, I enjoy communication with an opposite sex without fears and aggression.