As I broke an impasse: to change thoughts, to work and just to live

2003. As endured it, did not go crazy, did not ache, still I am surprised. All problems practically at the same time pulled hard.

And year quite well began. In December, 2002 married, began to live together with the husband's mother. And this there was very big mistake. The woman is imperious, got used to order, in everything to consider itself right. And the husband - typical mother's darling, in everything obeying the mother. But I understood already then it, though eight communicated with him years before. It was possible and rent the apartment and to buy, opportunities were, but he did not want. Also began: I incorrectly do everything, both I erase not so, and I prepare incorrectly, and not so I treat her son, and I do not earn. The matter is that was on vacation on care of the first child and got one more education in technical training college. So my income was 190 rubles a children's grant and the 200th grant. The only pleasant memories of life in that house - as we together with the mother-in-law cooked pies.
Then, I assume that it began to incite the son against me. Went to sleep to other room, told nothing. Swore almost constantly. And I could not sleep at the nights. Still normal relations were, became pregnant, though were protected. It was impossible to tell about it everything.

And here in one not wonderful evening the husband told that tomorrow we with the daughter in this house were not, left somewhere. That night I did not sleep at all, collected that the little that managed to transport to their house, some wedding gifts, and by itself all photos. It is good though to go was nearby, on the neighboring street to parents.

What to do? Understood that if I feel sorry for myself, somehow to assess a situation, then just I will not survive and who then will be needs my daughter? Went to the girlfriend in the morning, she worked in court, and before we with her together at one enterprise worked, I the personnel officer, it the legal adviser. But at first came to the lawyer free, asked whether it is possible to give on alimony until the pregnant woman, and the child was born yet. Told that is not present. The girlfriend, having lifted necessary documents, laws, told that such opportunity is, helped to make the statement of claim. As I the pregnant woman transferred four court sessions where the husband poured out on me not one tub of dirt, that's another story. The judge made the decision in my advantage. As the husband is obliged to support the pregnant wife and before execution by the child of three years. If does not want in an amicable way, transferred our communication to the legal plane. But at once it did not bring money, it worked seasonally, and paid salary only on the end of a season, in the fall or even in the winter. From this point and for two years ahead I began to hate all men. Having seen in hospital of the guy similar to the husband, thought, if only not the boy was born.

Ask why did not make abortion? First, it is unacceptable for me for religious reasons, secondly, even if you hate the husband, but the child half yours it is like to kill a half of, thirdly, still I consider conception miracle, not all can become pregnant and feel happiness of motherhood, fourthly, thought, and suddenly it will nevermore be possible to become mother...
Relatives insisted on abortion, mother, and especially the aunt, her sister. Spoke, all perform abortions, will make not one more why to you the child. And I did not want to be as all. Answered nothing, just silently did that it is necessary for me. Presented for an instant that gave in to arrangements, and such melancholy and hopelessness pulled hard at once. The aunt of months to five was not appeased, even then spoke about abortion, and at this moment the child was very strongly pushed at me in a stomach. Mentally began to calm that everything is good. And only for doctors everything was good: pregnancy the second, desired, officially we did not get divorced from husband yet.

In April-May, 2003 the father brought the mother to us, she had such disease that recognized nobody, even the son, us especially, considered that some foreign people hold it locked up. Ran away. She did not know our settlement. On inside of a door hung up the lock that the door could not open and escape. Considered my daughter, her 1 year 10 months was, the child, tried to take on hands. Then the grandmother fell and broke a hip neck, it was necessary to look after her to mother as I could not raise weights. The grandmother died on May 30. The father took away her to bury to the native village, about 900 km.

Having returned from a funeral, the father every week began to feel worse and worse. Performed on him four operations, from them two diagnostic, that is cut, looked, sewed up. So plainly to make the diagnosis and could not. In July mother carried it to the city in hospital, raised it money which was - 3000 rubles. And in the tram all pulled out them. It was necessary to borrow to me on all settlement money, all sum did not manage to be collected, 2700 it seems. Sent to mother.

With the younger brother were left almost without money. He could not find work in any way, did not take anywhere. And here we with him, the daughter, ate two months as now it seems to me, only vegetables from the kitchen garden, bread and fried eggs. Sometimes to the daughter bought some fruit. We with it finished in June our PU with diplomas with honors, received specialty the operator of the COMPUTER. There that though fed with breakfasts and lunches excellent, gave a grant. And here in the summer... Sometimes neighbors products helped, but at everyone the family. Looked after tomatoes, cucumbers, pepper in the greenhouse, the brother watered beds with a garden trifle. Everything grew then very well. Then began to do preparations. The harvest was good, and potato appeared in time, it became a little easier. But elementary I when I came for a month to the workplace from where went on maternity leave gorged on. There the dining room, cooks familiar, tried to put to me more portion. About vitamins for pregnant women like Materna the speech did not even go, found only on "Gendevit". On preservation was in hospital only once, on the 30th week, analyses were not really.

There arrived mother with the father, he was paid the sick-list, it became better with money, but health not especially improved, gave the first group of disability.

Affirmation helped me to keep. Before read books by Louise Hay, there it is in detail written about her fight against a disease, the help to other people, interrelation of diseases with certain thoughts. Chose suitable for herself, and repeated them, generally before going to bed or when somewhere went.


Made the statements which began words: "I love..." further everyone already tells the words, the main thing that was a particle and negative statements. It is already a little remade technique about which I learned from the book by Sergey Lazarev. Valeria Sinelnikova read, in his books found the solution of the problems too, he considered everything from a different angle, so far to me not habitual. To some extent it helped not to go crazy with hatred.



Meditations helped too, once one woman, the good psychologist, carried out to me meditation, remembered it and repeated, the main good imagination and ability here though for a while to be disconnected from problems.

Further the turn of books of Anatoly Nekrasov came, exactly reading them understood that at family problems there is always a fault of both spouses. And what to do that problems did not repeat. And still he writes about Love.



The birth of my youngest daughter, the sun, small miracle in October became the only joyful event of 2003.


Here I together with the daughters, a difference at them 2 years 4 months.

I on the end of a zolotodobychny season received alimony for myself and the daughter, still I remember the sum - 24000 rubles, huge for me for those times. But the happy end did not happen to the husband, was mutual claims too much.
Despite everything, life goes on and affirmation, meditations, change of thoughts and simple everyday affairs helped to survive to me.